Let me preface everything you’re about to read by stating that I am not a special case. Far from it. But this off-the-hook pandemic has so greatly affected me that I needed to share my experiences and this post has taken me a while to formulate. I have not been sitting on my hands but I have been in my own little sob story private Idaho trying to deal with the situation and how it has been affecting me personally... and now, I think I'm ready. It's been percolating and now it's ready to be served. Let’s turn the clock back to the end of January 2020. My husband (a teacher) and daughter’s Spring Break had finally, after all these years, coincided so I, being the consummate travel vagabond, planned a trip which would have landed us in Iceland next week with Viking family photographs, eating fermented shark and snow-mobiling on glaciers, to name a few of the anticipated highlights, of our itinerary. Our flight would have been the eve of Good Friday (April 9th, 2020). I started to hear things about a mysterious virus over in China. But we were travelling oh so faaar away from China... at any rate I thought it might be best if my planning also included the purchase of three cloth facemasks to protect us for when we were in the airports at the very least. My fifteen year old daughter, who had become enamored of K-pop and nearly all things Asian, would clearly look at it as a cool thing. It’s no secret that a part of modern Asian culture is to wear clinical facemasks in public places as do the members of the Korean pop bands that she follows. I think this is mostly because of the pollution in China certainly but maybe they know something we don’t know... Fast forward to just before Saint Patrick's day 2020, our first year wedding anniversary. We decided to splurge and have a little party at a tavern we frequent on the Saturday prior, March the 14th, for close friends and family. On the Friday preceding, we stopped in during happy hour to finalize the headcount for the following day. I can remember that day so very clearly, the seeds that had been planted about the potential reach of this (at the time) epidemic started to grow in the United States, particularly our home base which lies just about 15 miles west of New Your City. On that day the boards of education for the county in which we live, and where Rob and Olivia's schools are located, decided to close ALL schools in ALL 70 municipalities. That's 285 public schools serving 136,683 students. Should I even say <<let that sink in>>? A message came from Olivia's principal that in order to sanitize the school and for the safety of all concerned, they were transferring to remote learning protocol beginning Monday March 16, 2020 for a two week period. I should mention here that her school is in one of the more affluent areas of the county and therefore, a number of years ago now, the district allotted a portion of taxpayer dollars to the purchase of chrome books to which all students (above 8th grade) had been assigned there very own (just like the way books are signed out at the beginning of each school year and then returned on the last day of school). The implementation of Google classroom rolled out soon there after soooo, this district has basically been ready and able to operate remotely for a few years now. But this is not the case elsewhere. My husband's school is a good example of almost the exact polar opposite. They are located in one of the less affluent areas. I refer to it as a mini inner city. It's like the the very epicentre of a big city; it seems suburban but the demographic is ethnically extremely mixed with many single, multiple job-working mothers OR the flip-side, stay at home mothers who do not speak any English. I am not passing judgement, I am simply trying to paint a picture of the exceptionally different scenarios that can be found within a short distance of each other. All of Bergen County is just over 200 square miles. To give you a a point of reference, New York City is about 23. The trajectory and learning curve of the remote at home learning for my daughter and the remote at home teaching for my husband was, and continues to be, vastly different. As I mentioned, Olivia is fifteen so pretty much self sufficient, I know that once I got her up and running (which was really more of a moral support chat: "This is a new situation for everyone, the teachers too. Do not allow yourself to get frustrated too easily. If you do not understand an assignment, or if something technological is not working properly please just reach out to the teacher by email and calmly explain your confusion/needs/ask your question. I am also always here for you too." SIDE NOTE: I though it would be a great idea to get a Mac desk top as a family gift this past Christmas, which I did. I also set up different user profiles on it and THANK GOODNESS I had!!! We each have a laptop, Rob actually has two (his own and one from his school) but having the shared, large screen in a private room computer has been (and will continue to be) a life saver! I really can't imagine how the parents are coping/making due/home schooling in the less affluent areas with far less, some students don't even have a computer at home... let THAT sink in. I mean honestly, I have seen emails from Rob's students' parents and I have seen him and the rest of the staff at his school LITERALLY SCRAMBLING to figure things out, how to USE the Google classroom and their frustrations but I have also seen some AMAZING team work that ensued as they navigated unchartered waters together. Which leads me to the next chapter; a letter from the Superintendent March 25, 2020: I knew this was going to happen. I saw the writing on the chalkboard, on the smart board oh hell, on the wall on Monday March 16th; I anticipated school being in session within the brick and mortar walls of the academic facility for the remainder of the school year essentially, over. But I kept that to myself. And this still hasn't been announced but I am pretty sure it's where we are heading. This, and the repercussions thereof, make me so. very. sad. I will be 53 this upcoming November, barring a true apocalypse. My body has begun to fail me; I have both osteo and rheumatoid arthritis (an autoimmune disease). This mostly affects the lower half of my body. I need a new right hip, there is zero surface cartilage left. Any medical intervention I have sought, is on hold. Indefinitely. At times, an RA flare can cause tremendous pain with rapid weight gain from the inflammation. I am unsightly and in absolutely exquisite, pain. I take prescription steroids (lowering my ability to fight infections... viruses) I walk with a limp most of the time. So I, the consummate professional at persevering, do what I do best. Most women are, by nature, the nurturers. Coupled with the fact that I have been in nurturing roles my entire life I struggle with the NOT BEING ABLE TO HELP part of this equation. And like all of my sisters, we simply carry on. I rise each day between 5-6am. I like to be up, alone with the family cat, to admire the birds, the weather, to plan our day, make lunches and plan dinners. I still do that but now I also reserve that time to cry, alone in the dark, sepia mornings so that I can (hopefully?) appear to be strong for my husband, daughter and others during daylight. But I’m weak, meek and oh so scared. So I continue to plan for the future. For the future of my family and for the future of our very, very small and fragile world. By the way. We still haven't received those face masks... NamaSTAY at home.
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This is long, but worth it so grab a beverage, snack or cigarette and get comfy.
“Find The Light” is a lyric from a song by Yungblud called “Kill Somebody”. The song, whose meaning was recently misinterpreted by a community somewhere in California*, actually represents a person’s gut response to feeling like they don’t fit in, are misunderstood and who may even be experiencing abuse whether physical or emotional. Here are the lyrics: Today you made me feel irrelevant Twisted my intelligence Made it seem there's no brain in my head I'm like a skeleton, can't shut my eyes Right now I feel like I'm an alien I'm so fucking dangerous Cover up the evidence with medicine I can't find the life All I wanna do is kill somebody Kill somebody, kill somebody like you You, you, you, you All I wanna do is kill somebody Kill somebody, kill somebody like you You, you, you, you Today you turned me a cork screw Fought me like law suit Put words in my mouth that I don't want you to And I lost my clout And my time is acting as my currency You can't take that away from me Treat the young with no accountability Shoot me down All I wanna do is kill somebody Kill somebody, kill somebody like you You, you, you, you Right, right now I'm feel like an alien Like I'm just sitting in a state of perpetual frustration Go on, shove me again Fuck with my head, leave me for dead Please? And yeah, you may think, you may think this is a metaphor Something you've never heard before A note I found on the floor And subconsciously pinned to the door But then you motherfuckers could cross a mountain And I still wouldn't believe what you thought All I wanna do is kill somebody Kill somebody Kill somebody like you You, you, you, you All I wanna do is kill somebody Kill somebody Kill somebody like you You, you, you, you All I wanna do is kill somebody Kill somebody Kill somebody like you You, you, you, you Oh, oh Written By: Dominic Harrison, Martin Terefe and Matt Schwartz Growing up the only child to an alcoholic father and Borderline Personality Disorder mother, “Kill Somebody” really resonated with me. It’s as if these lyrics could have come from inside my 19 year-old poet’s head; the life I led was, to say the very least, challenging. The phrase “Find The Light” made an impression on and stuck with me. As I matured, as emotional burdens have worn away and as those scars are finally healing rather than remaining with my younger mentality of feeling defeated, alone and like “I can’t find the light”, I prefer to focus on the phrase “FIND THE LIGHT”. I find it to be quite inspirational. Those words, Dominic’s (Yungblud’s) unbelievably personable and stigma-free approach to life and love coupled with how truly out of control some things are in our society currently (like gun control/legislation, silencing those that are mentally challenge with drugs rather than with understanding, etc.) made me decide to "Be the change I want to see". So, life-long Purveyor of Dreams and Entertainment professional that I am, I branched out on my own to try to mitigate the aid that our society so desperately needs. The only way I know how to do this is to produce events. Large scale. For well meaning and thoroughly researched non-profit organizations because I trust that the bigger the donations are that they receive, the better the resources they can offer and/or legislation that can be addressed and altered for the better of our society. Find The Light's first concert event is planned for March of 2022. So, stay tuned! We will keep everyone abreast of our milestones along the way and remember, always, always, always look for the LIGHT. There’s no hope in the darkness. ~ Kathryn “China” Hayzer, CEO of Find The Light & Purveyor of Dreams Follow us on Instagram at @ChinaCatDoll Contact us for partnership or sponsorship opportunities for the festival and visit our website: www.FindTheLight.info (currently under construction) *The Hanford High School won a contest sponsored by Chegg to have Yungbud come to the school and play. Local parents took the meaning of “Kill Somebody” to be literal without bothering to do any research. *Photo credit Joe’s pizza delivery guy - pizza sent from me to Yungblud and his bandmates/team at Baby’s All Right Brooklyn, NY October 25, 2018 then we met for the first time in Philadelphia two days later. The rest, as they say, is history. |
About MeI am a purveyor of dreams. Professional voice over artist, writer, stage manager, events and logistics coordinator, mother, wife and lover of life! Enjoy! Archives |